Heart Failure Read online

  The relief was instant, and she sat on the toilet seat as her knees grew weak. What happens now? Maggie had promised her the use of the garden house for at least the next year, but now her daughter intended to live here. They hadn’t signed a lease because she had trusted Maggie when she’d said her word was worth more than any paper. Just as Lena’s own word was worth more than a credit report. Maybe that had been foolish. When would she learn not to trust anymore?

  With a sigh, she placed the top back into the sink and stood. Time to find out if she would be living in her car tomorrow. Quickly, she spread some aloe lotion on the burn and went into her bedroom to dress in a loose shirt.

  As she got closer to the main house, she hesitated.

  Jess’s voice drifted through the half-open French doors, and the tone suggested she wasn’t happy with whatever her mother answered.

  Instead of interrupting them, Lena took a seat on a chair on the far side of the patio. The large wooden structure spanned the length of the house and extended into the garden with a curved edge. Terra-cotta planters filled with plants in in all sizes and shapes, from evergreens to herbs to exotic blooms, lined the edge and blurred the border to the garden. She would miss this peaceful oasis, not only the calming design but her daily contact with Maggie. She’d thought the older woman had become her friend, not just her landlady, but maybe that had been wishful thinking. The burn on her breast started again, this time from within, not just skin deep.

  A shrill cry interrupted the fight. The baby didn’t seem to like the raised voices either.

  The door opened fully, and Lena jumped up, afraid she wasn’t welcome.

  Maggie stepped out onto the deck, a frown carving deep lines into her face. But when she looked up at Lena, the lines softened. Smiling, she walked over.

  That smile promised everything would work out fine, but Lena had been disappointed too often to relax now. “Would you…?” She swallowed. “Would you like me to leave?”

  “No, honey, not at all.” Maggie shook her head. “I don’t know what Jess said, but this is a misunderstanding. The house is yours for as long as you want it.”

  “Thank you.” The pain that had gripped Lena the moment she feared she might be on her own again slowly abated. “Are you sure? She is your daughter, after all.”

  Maggie reached over and took Lena’s hand. “I’ve told her you live here now and if she wants to stay, she is welcome to live in the main house. I’ve already converted Jess’s childhood room into a nursery for Ella, and she can stay in the guest room next to it.” She glanced back at the house; the baby’s crying had subsided. “To be honest, even if you didn’t live in the garden house, I’d like her to stay close. She’s…” She opened and closed her hands a few times, letting go of Lena’s. “She’s not as fit as she should be. She needs help, whether she wants to admit it or not.”

  Lena nodded. Jess had looked pale and tired. “Is she sick?”

  “Yes. It was quite a scare. It’s all very new and…” Maggie’s shoulders slumped. “But she’s optimistic she’ll be fine soon.” The smile that accompanied the last words was weak.

  That sounded serious. Lena didn’t want to pry, but it was difficult to hold back the half dozen questions tumbling in her mind. “I’m sorry to hear that. Can I do anything to help?”

  “Please be patient. She shouldn’t stress herself. That’s bad for her condition. Maybe give her some time to get adjusted? My daughter has always had difficulty being spontaneous.” Maggie shrugged apologetically. “She’ll come around to you. I’m sure by this time next week, she’ll be embarrassed about her behavior and apologize.”

  An illness wasn’t an excuse to be rude in Lena’s book, but she was willing to give Jess a second chance for Maggie’s sake. “I hope you’re right.” Lena stood. “I’ll leave you to it and head back to the garden house. I have to work soon.” And she wanted to put an ice pack on her chest, but Maggie didn’t need to know that.

  “You take care, and let me know if Jess troubles you. I’ll talk to her.” Maggie hugged her.

  Lena managed not to wince when her shirt was pressed against her skin. The pain was worth knowing Maggie wasn’t kicking her out.

  Chapter Five

  The clock on Lena’s car had given up long ago, and its perpetual five-to-twelve status was more a comment on the general state of the vehicle and maybe even Lena’s life. The urge to dig out the cell phone from her bag was strong, but Lena resisted. She couldn’t drive any faster anyway because she couldn’t risk a ticket. That wasn’t in her budget for this month. Or any month.

  As she didn’t plan to stop for long, she parked in front of the driveway instead of maneuvering into her spot. She jumped out of the car, clutching her backpack in one hand and the keys in the other. Her mind was already three steps ahead. Shower and change before she hurried off to her next job.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” The harsh voice interrupted her thoughts.

  Lena flinched and froze.

  Jess stood in front of the gate with both hands on her hips, blocking her entrance. She scowled at Lena with those bright eyes that were still beautiful despite the icy glare. In black jeans and a slate-gray sweater, she made an imposing figure next to the sleek gray-and-white stroller.

  For four days she had been able to avoid Jess, but today her streak of bad luck continued. It had started with a visitor at the farmers market knocking over her display of preserves. Only two glasses had broken, but she’d been covered in sticky fruit and sugar. Then she must have given someone the wrong change, because she’d ended up ten dollars short at the end of the day. Counting everything thrice had made her late, and she didn’t have time to accommodate Jess’s mood. “Just parking for a moment.”

  “You can’t park that piece of garbage here.” Jess pointed to her car.

  Garbage? That was a harsh assessment. True, the car had doors in two different colors, neither matching the faded beige of the body, and rust spots that looked like a contagious disease. But it worked fine most days. But that wasn’t the point here.

  “Do you need to leave now?” Lena raised her hand with the key in an apologetic gesture. “I’m sorry, but I only need twenty minutes. I’m home to change for my other job and—”

  “I don’t care about the organizational deficits of your day. You can’t park there. If you leave the car there, I’ll call a tow service to have it removed.” Red blotches appeared on Jess’s cheeks, and a drop of sweat formed on her temple, but her hard gaze was unwavering.

  “Tow service?” The nerve of this woman! Lena clenched her jaws to stop herself from blurting out what she really thought. Jess made it difficult for her to honor her promise to Maggie to be patient. “Okay, if you insist, I’ll park on the other side of the street.” Lena didn’t want to believe her threat was serious, but she didn’t intend to test the theory.

  “I insist.” Jess’s lips were pressed into a thin line, and a muscle in her jaw twitched.

  Back in her car, Lena risked a glance at the cell phone. She had lost more minutes than anticipated; there was barely enough time to shower and change. Washing her hair would be out of the question. A granola bar in the car would have to be enough to get her through the afternoon shift at the café.

  She sincerely hoped her patience helped Jess on her way to recovery. The sooner she got well, the sooner she would be able to return to her own home.

  “Tammy!” Lena woke and almost fell in her haste to get out of bed. In the precious seconds it took to untangle her legs from the sheets, her baby sister’s cries urged her to hurry as her heart nearly burst out of her chest.

  Then reality hit her with the force of a car accident.

  Tammy wasn’t here. Tammy would never be here again. Tammy didn’t need her anymore. Don’t go there!

  Freed of the sheets, Lena fell back onto the bed. “Just a dream.” Her voice was hoars
e. And why did she whisper? She was alone, as she had been for the last ten years.

  She tossed and turned but couldn’t find a comfortable position to fall back asleep. The bed was softer and wider than the cot in Tammy’s room had been, but she would exchange all the comfort in the world to hear the soft breathing of her baby sister.

  No way would she be able to sleep anytime soon with the memory of Tammy buzzing through her mind like a swarm of bees.

  She glanced at the alarm on her nightstand. Three. Ugh, way too early to start the day. Maybe tea would help her relax again. She got up without bothering with the light. The smooth hardwood floor beneath her bare feet was solid and reminded her of her grandma’s house.

  As she filled the kettle, another cry pierced the silence. Not a dream but a real baby’s cry had woken her. Oh, of course. Jess’s daughter. But why could Ella be heard all the way through the garden? During the last week, she had barely noticed the presence of a newborn baby in the main house.

  She left the half-filled kettle in the sink and stepped closer to the kitchen window. A cool breeze had replaced the warmth of the evening and carried scents of summer flowers through the open window.

  The light of a full moon cast long shadows between the trees and flowerbeds and transformed the night into a magical black-and-white world. Someone moved on the far side of the garden, the direction the cries came from.

  As the bulky figure got closer, Lena could discern Jess and her daughter in a baby carrier she had fastened to her front. In pajama bottoms and a loose T-shirt, Jess looked much younger and less imposing than the last time Lena had seen her.

  Ella continued to cry, interrupted by hiccups.

  “I know, honey, I know. I hate bloating too. It’s fucking annoying.” Jess’s voice was deep and low, and the cadence of her speech was a soothing singsong that belied the curse words. She continued to talk, but most words were incomprehensible.

  The intimacy between mother and daughter bound Lena to her place with invisible cords. She wanted to leave, wanted to respect Jess’s privacy, but the soft mumbling mesmerized her.

  “I’m sorry my milk had to be replaced with this shitty formula, but this is all I got tonight. I miss it too, but you don’t want to get any traces of my meds. Terrible stuff. I never thought I would miss breastfeeding, but I get it now.” Moonlight lit her face as she paced the lawn in front of the garden house. Something glittered on her cheeks. Tears? But her expression was full of love as she gazed down.

  Lena would have never expected the intimidating and infuriating Dr. Riley to have a vulnerable and sensitive side. Why couldn’t she show basic decency in her interactions with Lena, then? She shook herself as if she could dislodge the negativity that way. Concentrating on the soporific mumblings helped, though. The words of love and comfort banished some of her own loneliness.

  After a while, Ella calmed down, and Jess’s voice drifted off on her way to the main house.

  Memories of her time with Tammy rose. Good memories. The special cuddling time in the morning when Tammy was waking up, the joy of holding her during feeding, Tammy’s delight in simple things like colorful scarves.

  Lena stared into the summer night until her legs grew heavy and she had difficulty keeping her eyes open. When she returned to her bedroom, she had again stored the memories in the depths of her mind where they wouldn’t interrupt her daily life.

  Chapter Six

  For once, the alarm on her phone and not Ella’s cries woke Jess. She quickly switched it off so as not to rouse Ella. She hadn’t quite figured out what would disturb her. Most of the time, nothing but a heavy metal concert during a tornado would wake her. Jess blinked and rolled to her side to look outside. The sun had barely risen, and cheerful pink clouds dotted the sky. She groaned. Whose genius idea had it been to get up with the chickens? But she couldn’t blame anyone but herself.

  Bone-deep weariness was nothing new to her. Sheer determination had propelled her through med school, residency, and fellowship, all the way to the top of her profession. She was determined to get back to her former fitness level, and starting the day with a workout was the first step.

  Well, the second step. First she had to take her medication. She shook one pill out of each of the four bottles, then broke the diuretic in half. She didn’t need as much as she had in the beginning of her treatment a week ago. A good sign. She swallowed them all at once with a bit of tepid water from the bottle on her bedside table. Ugh. She shook herself. Getting a taste of her own medicine had taken on a completely new meaning.

  She stood and threw on her prepregnancy workout tights and a sports bra. Both cut deeper into her skin than she wanted to acknowledge. “Ouch!”

  Ella made a sound and moved her tiny head a bit to the side.

  Oops. Jess held her breath and waited to see if Ella would wake up. She hadn’t meant to speak out loud.

  Noiselessly, she fastened the chest strap of her heart rate monitor. She hadn’t worn one for her workout in years, as she knew her body well, but she had ordered a new one as a concession to her condition.

  Ella’s eyelids fluttered once, twice, then her features relaxed and she was deep asleep again.

  With a sigh, just internal this time, Jess threw on one of the oversized, washed-out T-shirts from her teenage years that her mom had kept for gardening. She switched on the baby monitor that was sitting on the nightstand between her bed and Ella’s cradle, bent down to kiss her, and left the room without looking in the mirror. She played with the monitor’s receiver as she tiptoed down the stairs, avoiding the creaking ones with muscle memory formed as a teenager. Her mom wouldn’t mind if she knocked and deposited the device in her bedroom, but she’d have to face questions or, even worse, encouragement. Jess didn’t need anyone cheering her on. Or watching her fail.

  Outside, the crisp morning air was laced with humidity. Dew drops sparkled on her mom’s flowers like tiny diamonds, and birds sang with an enthusiasm she couldn’t quite share.

  She used the steps from the patio to the garden to stretch. At least she hadn’t lost all of her limberness and was still able to reach her toes now that most of the baby bump had disappeared.

  Due to the baby monitor, she would limit her morning exercise to the garden. She started with a light jog, but before she even reached the far end, she was breathing hard.

  Instead of slowing down, she ran faster. She wasn’t a quitter.

  One hundred and seventy-nine steps until the end of the garden. One hundred and seventy-nine back again. Fourteen steps up to the patio. Her lungs burned, and her heart raced so fast she thought it might trigger another arrhythmia. But no dizziness. She looked at her watch. Her heart rate was still acceptable. She ran down again.

  Counting kept her focus from the pain in her lungs as they tried to get more oxygen into her system, but something wasn’t right. Her second round had two hundred and three steps. In the third, she was at two hundred and fifty-two before she had to stop.

  Panting, she rested her arms on her shaking legs. She didn’t want to sit. Any second, she would start to run again. Her lungs protested; it hurt as if shards of glass were stuck between her ribs. And her heart. She didn’t want to think of her heart, but she had to. She checked her watch for her heart rate.

  Fuck. Maybe she needed a longer break after all.

  “Are you okay?” Lena was standing much too close. How had she snuck up? What the fuck was her mom’s tenant doing here at this time of day anyway?

  For a second, Jess was tempted to say no and fall down on the lawn. Instead, she straightened to her full height, using the extra inches to glare down on the intruder.

  Lena wore loose black yoga pants and a bright pink top proclaiming she had taken part in a charity race. Without staring at her breasts, Jess couldn’t tell which run. She wrenched her gaze upward and used her best scowl, honed through years of intimidating residen
ts. “What are you doing in the garden? Now?”

  The stare seemed to work. Lena took a step backward. “Um…I live here, remember?” She tilted her head, and the fine lines around her hazel eyes crinkled in concern. “I was about to start my morning tai chi routine. Do you need any help? Are you okay?”

  Did she look as bad as she felt? Why did Lena keep asking that? Heat that had nothing to do with exertion shot to her cheeks, and Jess gritted her teeth. She’d rather fall flat on her face than accept assistance. Another lesson she’d learned in med school was to never show weakness. Jess turned on her heel and walked back toward the main house. Every step was a struggle as if she’d exercised wearing her lead apron in addition to a heavy backpack, but she made it without stopping.

  Lena couldn’t keep her gaze from Jess as she dragged herself back to the main house. She watched because Jess looked exhausted, not because her running tights fit like a glove and revealed feminine curves that provided a direct contrast to her prickly demeanor. She was only making sure Jess didn’t collapse. Jess looked as if she had been training for hours despite the very early morning. Maybe she had. Who knew what that woman considered normal hours?

  When Jess reached the patio, Lena shrugged and faced the rising sun. She was behind schedule but needed at least thirty minutes to focus and gather her strength for the coming day.

  Afterward Lena showered and dressed in layers. Today she was working at the farmers market, and the weather was supposed to change frequently.

  As she was about to cut some fruit for breakfast, a knock sounded on the door.

  To her surprise, Maggie stood on her porch with a plate full of scones. They were still warm, judging by the steam rising from them, and smelled heavenly.